I am the son that stayed home..ah..err daughter.

I'm not sure all my post will begin with a disclaimer, but this one dose

DISCLAIMER: this post contains sarcasm. If you are unfamiliar with how to process it find a friend who can explain it to you, or just hang your head in shame. But please keep that in mind as you read my, what some may say heretical, outburst in the following post. Also remember if your computer gets the holy lightning bolt for reading it-I'm not responsible!

      Our pastor gave a wonderful and encouraging sermon to day on Gods care and providence and how He provides for us always in spite of our lack of faith. I'm sure many were up lifted as they walked out the door. I however was making a mental note to have my house swept for bugs (small electronic listening device...not creepy crawly critters, although they should be swept as well) because obviously my church has indiscriminately started placing them in our home in an evil attempt to give target driven sermons.
     After doing the lunch thing my daughter and I went over to a friends house. It was actually a swap. Her husband came over to my house to hang out with my husband and she got us...both she and I agreed we got the better deal.
While there we began discussing the sermon and how she was convicted and encouraged. I proceed to point out I wasn't sure if I was either, and that at any point I may be struck with lighting and she should keep her distance. I began to explain that it was fantastic he provided for Elijah. How lucky that he was sent an angel to give him food, make him dinner, as it were, when he was weary. I have yet to have an angel deliver Dominoes on any given night I have been "weary".
     I melodramaticly yelled.."wheres my cake! I''m weary!"
We both giggled hysterically for a moment and she said " if Stop and Shop calls in the next minute and says you won a free cake I'm gonna pee my pants"
She would,too. Just saying...I know her.
    Being the wonderful friend she is, she asked what I was so discouraged and frustrated about. I shared with her all the things our beloved pastor touched on but I still held onto tightly. I had fear and anxiety, mostly concerning finances like most people. I had recently be let go of a very small job, but it helped us get through the end of the month and since then we have had two major expenditures- automobilic and medical . We have been praying for opportunities to move to a location more accessible for the ministries we are involved in for years now and nothing. I continued on my laundry list of grievances and unmet prayers. Like David I cry out to God why do the unrighteous prosper?  Heck, why do the righteous that aren't me prosper? (what? its an honest question)
    Seriously. I held up my spiritual report card to her. I reviewed my various ministries..all to be consider excellent extra curricular activates. My studies and devotionals were on track. My attendance- exemplary. I was a stinkin' honor student,  but its the C average kid that keeps skipping class that gets the new car on graduation day! Whats with that?  (It is entirely possible I stomped my feet and threw myself on the floor and kicked and even threatened to hold my breath  right here)
At this moment she shared an incredibly insightful thing that gave me the perspective of a giant metal chicken named Beyonce...one I will hold against her always, like a pillow that will slowly suffocate her..J/K
      "You are the son that stayed home " she said with whimsy. "The one that was upset about his prodigal brother. You are screaming 'where is my fatted calf' "
     Dang that purple headed child of the Fey...she spoke truth.
     Like a douse of Zofran hitting my stomach, my vomiting of self-centeredness subsided, and life took over with the wants and need of our children. But she had hit on something...I must understand myself and this attitude better...who was the "son that stayed home"? Is that an accurate description of me...sadly it seemed like it may be.

      So I looked up the passage of the prodigal son Mt. 15:11-31 and focused on the part "about me"
  Mt. 15:25-31
  ²⁵ “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷ ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’    ²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
   ³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

        I then looked it up in my good ol' Mathew Henry's commentary and it said: 
" What must that temper be, which stirs up a man to despise and abhor those for whom the Saviour shed his precious blood, who are objects of the Father's choice, and temples of the Holy Ghost! This springs from pride, self-preference, and ignorance of a man's own heart. The mercy and grace of our God in Christ, shine almost as bright in his tender and gentle bearing with peevish saints, as his receiving prodigal sinners upon their repentance. It is the unspeakable happiness of all the children of God, who keep close to their Father's house, that they are, and shall be ever with him. Happy will it be for those who thankfully accept Christ's invitation."

     Ouch!...that was not at all flattering, not that I expect it to be glowing, but I was kind of hoping for that redeemable Martha love that happens. Ya know, where we all see that she was just a type A hard worker and just needed to realign her priorities...not to be called a" peevish saint".
Let it be said I, in noway begrudge salvation to anyone. I rejoice along with the universal church and angels in heaven at the addition of one child, no matter how dark the past or sins that may be committed in the future . I get we are all saved by grace, not of ourselves and without it I'd be sitting on the bus going to hell. I'm just a little jealous of the fact that other saints are getting the sports cars for graduation and I'm still riding my bike everywhere.
    Yes I know, petty...I guess in some regard I am a peevish saint. Which can also been seen in exhibit B:
in another fit of frustration I had had the day before with my husband. My husband ( who can be wise and insightful and  whose head I've wanted to pop like a pimple for a variety of reasons and  vast ovations ), pointed out to me that in spite of my awesome record " God owes me nothing". He continued to point out regardless of the fact He choose to love me and send his son to die a painful death to pay my debt, which he didn't have to do, He owed me nothing. He was God of the universe...the great I AM. He that has no beginning or end...who was I to demand anything from Him?
     I could see that he thought he had me...point made...check mate.  But he did not understand the extent of my self delusion or frustration...And I shouted "exactly...He made me, now he is responsible for me" and I stormed off feeling MY point was made.
     So upon  this review of my horrible attitude I realize I may not be the "Son that stayed home" in the scene that I'm begrudging salvation, but I am begrudge blessings. I am somehow not fully excepting the "not of myself grace thing" and truly not applying the idea of kingdom living ( that everything is for the glory and building for Gods future kingdom and not my short term reality here and now). So I have issues to work on...who doesn't. David threw fits too....I read them all the time. Its like listening to Depeche Mode or the Cure....I get what they are saying..I've been there. So I know God will love me threw it and I can't stay in my room blaring said music in my ears and eating cheese whiz from a can ( I never did this, I'm just making random and undocumented references ).
     So I have seen my need for growth...yadah-yadah and will strive to be a better christian...la-tee-da. But I'm still a work in process. So although I may rave about how gorgeous you new spiritual  sports car is....don't be surprised if I'm secretly imagining a long deep key scratch running down the side while my inner monologue is screaming..."All I'm asking for is a stinkin' Vespa."

Backwards or Forwards...its just me

So this is my big disclaimer about this blog.

I have some very wonderfully talented friends that blog quite well and I have to say I often times laughed and cried and laughed 'till I cried reading their posts. So in hopes that I too may encourage you to laugh....or cry I'm attempting this blog.

My disclaimer should also include the following: I am a wretched speller! In spite of auto correct spelling I'm confident that my talent for misspellings and general dyslexic abilities will still sneak some by. That said, I make the same promise in regards to grammar as well. So If you are a judge on the above and it disqualifies me and makes me to frustrating to read, or you are my 8th grade grammar teacher Mrs.Finlay, I say run now!

But if you stick around to at least laugh at my incompetence using the English language you may find that we have allot in common, or at least you will have plenty of fodder to make yourself feel fantastic judging me from your lofty perch. But either way you have been warned, that just like my palindrome name , whether you see it as backwards or forwards...its just Me!